This may be the most personal post on my blog. I feel as women we are supposed to hide the topic of miscarriage, but if I could I would change that. I don’t think we should have to go through the most heartbreaking moment in our lives feeling so alone.
I think what helped me the most was the support and stories of the community (real life and Instagram). I received so much love and support which was unexpected but so comforting. If I can do that for at least one person then this post has a purpose to me.
The 9 and a half weeks of my pregnancy I prayed that I would not have to experience what so many women have to. Having PCOS can increase your chances. I looked up the statistics and I wanted so desperately for this pregnancy to continue to full term. To be able to experience another beautifully healthy baby. I set little milestones for myself. First all of the HCG blood tests, they continued to elevate perfectly (my doctor's office monitored them often). Then we got to see baby on an ultrasound. All I wanted was for there to be a heartbeat, and there was. Everything was going so well.
Exactly two weeks ago today I found out I was having a missed miscarriage and it felt like my heart was literally breaking. My body hadn't acknowledged that the baby stopped growing about two weeks prior. I was shocked and disappointed. I wanted the hospital to be wrong so badly.
I went through anger and I blamed myself for so many things. Did I make the bath water too hot, or maybe the couple times I had caffeine could have caused it. I finally have given myself some slack and started to heal. I am not one hundred percent and I'm not sure if I ever will be anytime soon. I just try to find things to look forward to.
If you have been through this or you're going through this, I am so sorry. I'm sorry for the emptiness you feel. It's something that I wish I could explain but I am here for anyone who needs someone to talk to. Direct message me on my IG anytime. I know time will help to heal this and I am working on myself in the mean time.
Thanks so much for reading this week.
These photos are hard for me to look at but they once filled me with so much happiness. I don't want to forget that. The first is telling our family the day we cut our trees down. We asked for a family photo and I snuck the ultrasound photo out of my jacket. The second was supposed to be our pregnancy announcement on IG and FB.